Breaking News!

You think 2020 sucked?

Pictures captured on a cruise liner show that the dead were likely the victims of Murder Hornets infected with a mutant strain of a virus, which is believed to have come from a horseshoe bat. The pictures indicate that the passenger should have been wearing a mask to fool the Covid laden hornets.

We know the virus was a designer virus but until confirmed …’nothing to see here.’

The hornets are now the size of eagles and appear to be growing with the more blood they consume.

As the hornets make landfall, people are advised to wear a mask when outdoors to disguise themselves from the virus, I mean hornets.

When the Trump administration was asked for comment, the president said he would make a deal with them and then tweeted out his response to learn who their leader was.

Biden was asked for his advice, and his reply was “C’mon Man.” It should be noted that he was not prepared for the question when he was found wandering the neighborhood aimlessly.  He claimed to be walking the dog, but all he had was the leash, and no dog.

Congress is busy taking polls to figure out the right response to the threat.

The unbiased fact-checkers have been working hard to scrub any conservative talking points from the web.  They are also scouring news of the Covid Hornets, as they are sure this is a conspiracy by the Trump administration.

Meanwhile, Fauci was asked for his advice. “Stay at least six feet away from them.”

Man, am I glad he is working for us.  Phew.

Disney and Netflix have decided to sue for the movie rights, while both were seen with their photographers getting possible footage for their upcoming movie.  Rumor is it will be titled “You only wish hindsight was 2020.”

They are both claiming that they each read this blog post first, which somehow gives them the rights to run with it.  The Supreme Court is expected to hear the case unless the hornets or the virus get us first.

Another idea for the title floated around was “Buckle up Buttercup, the real fun is just about to start.”

Who knows, maybe Amazon will try to get the rights to it.

Liberal lawmakers have stopped all production of a pesticide that will kill the hornets.  They are concerned that the spray will get into the Ozone and seep into space, causing climate change on other planets.  They have noted that Mars is undergoing climate change right now, and they believe that flatulent cows are at fault.  Their lead scientist, ‘a women on the View who claimed to have once read a science book,’ believes that the gases escape through the hole in the atmosphere and travel to distant planets.

“The peasants must go back to the stone age to be good neighbors in the Universe.”

The science guy has confirmed this, which is causing quite the stir in the scientific community. The Hollywood elite and other business owners are flying to Switzerland in thier private jets to discuss how best to stop the methane gasses from escaping on Mars.

Congress is suggesting that we attempt to reason with the hornets and try to get along with them.  They have noted that a tiny percentage of those attacked dies.  While the long-term effects are unknown, they are encouraged that only the elderly seem to die as they cannot move quickly enough to avoid the dagger or vampire-like teeth.

PETA also weighed in against killing the hornets. All life is precious, unless it is human life.

Bill Gates has decided the best way to combat the hornets is to fool them into thinking it is nighttime.  He is looking at ways to keep the sun’s rays from hitting the earth. The bonus will be the earth will quickly fall into an ice age, where the hornets will slumber until such a time the sun once again shines on a dead planet.

Earth to Bill, Montgomery Burns did this in The Simpsons.  I am confident that his science is just as reliable as yours.

A darker planet would mean less food grown.  If we didn’t freeze to death, we would starve.  I think I will take the hornets. The hornets might actually be edible.

The news media blame the hornets on the Trump Administration for failing to look into his crystal balls.  The president’s job is to consult with his soothsayers and prophets to know what the future holds.  They note that if Trump spent less time tweeting and golfing, he might have seen this coming and taken steps to protect the American people.

Yep, this is how I feel about 2020. From the looks of things, 2021 will be run by people even less intelligent than what we have today.

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and that you make Merry on New Year’s Eve, no matter where you are.

If you cannot physically be with your family or friends, skype, zoom, or at least call them.  You never know when the Murder Hornets with Vampire fangs and a dagger will be at your doorstep.  BWHAAA!

Here is a virtual toast.  At the stroke of midnight, I will hold my glass up high and take a drink in your honor.  You my friends, readers, and followers, make what I do worth it.  Please join me at midnight on the 31rst, wherever you happen to be.

 

Much Love -TW

 

 

 

 

Red Tie or Blue Tie?

 

The names and people in the following dialogue are creations of my overactive imagination.

Thanks for reading my blog!

 

“Kelly, call Dan and have him set up a poll for the state of Kentucky.”

“A poll sir?”

“Yes, I want to know if they would prefer me to wear a Red Tie or a Blue tie when I address them this weekend.”

“You just want to know about the color of your tie?”

“Maybe the shirt color, should there be a pattern or solid color?”

“Yes sir, we will need to offer some samples for the pollsters to ask, what about the color of your suite or the kind?”

“We certainly have to wear one created in the USA it cannot be any foreign made suite.”

“Yes, sir I will take some pictures of your suites and let Dan work with it anything else?”

“My wife said that my goatee was too long.  Let’s find out if they would prefer cleanly shaven or maybe that five O: clock look; you know as the Hollywood elite wear?”

“Sir the Hollywood elite are not running for office in a few months; I think tried, and true clean shaven is your best bet.”

“Kelly, the taxpayers pay people like Dan to find out what the American’s like.  Have you noticed that more and more are wearing tattoos and piercings, maybe I should get one and see if they like it?”

“Sir, don’t you think they are interested in how you are going to give them some tax relief or how you are going to fight to keep their jobs in the US?”

“Everyone says that Kelly, I think they know by now we are just telling them what they want to hear.  We need to sell me as a cool guy, you know someone they would want to have a beer with.”

“Sir, your beer that you drink they could not pronounce the name of, I still think telling them things that they want to hear work.”

“Kelly, my opponent is already doing that. How many different ways can we lie to them before they figure out that nothing is going to change?  No, I think selling me as one of them is the answer.  Did you see Bob the other day trying to relate to them?  He actually tried to tell them the truth, poor bastard!”

“Some people want to hear the truth, sir.”

“Most of them cannot handle the truth, that is why experienced politicians know better and take polls, so we know what to tell them.”

“I thought politics was genuinely about representing the people sir, how silly was I?”

“After a few years here you learn quickly enough that they just need to be led like sheep.  Keep them distracted like the Romans used to do, and they will never see that we are all the same.”

“So, a poll to see what color tie and which suite, is that it?”

“Have him add boxers or briefs; I want to know what most American’s can relate to!”

“They are not going to know what your underwear is sir?”

“Look, if the camera angle is right, you can tell from the lines if it is boxers or briefs.  If they can see I want to make sure that my underwear is not a negative thing.”

“Underwear, what about socks or shoes?”

“Good thinking, shoes for sure, people are into shoes!  Should they be loafers or steel-toed?”

“It is Kentucky sir, should we add boots into the poll?”

“Yes, that is fair, we need to be careful about the kind of boot though.  Some people get all bent out of shape if it is Alligator or Ostrich.”

“Yes those PETA folks would cast their vote for the devil, rather than vote for someone who would make apparel out of animal hide,” Kelly said.

“Speaking of which did you manage to get my Safari hunting trip pictures scrubbed from that social media site?”

“It cost the taxpayers tens of thousands of dollars, but yes they are gone.  We have hired a PR firm to watch for them and have them removed if anyone else reposts them.”

“I should have been more careful.  That elephant went down with one shot, and it was exhilarating.  I wanted to share with everyone, and I had been drinking some of the beer that they have over there.”

“The PR firm is putting a spin on it that you saved a village from a stampede of crazy animals if the picture pops up again.”

“Is that what the poll said they would find acceptable?”

“Yes, a significant percentage of the American public said that saving an orphanage from a stampede of wild elephants would be seen as more positive than negative.”

“Damn, maybe we should have left it there!”

“Sir, Most people are not that stupid to believe the story, so it is better to mask it and spin it in a way that yes, you did kill one to save an orphanage. You felt terrible for the poor beast.  After it died, you had the school utilize the meat so they would not starve.  Then we just let the story die like the elephant did, slowly and painfully.”

“I can’t help it if that beast had a thick skull. Do they really eat an elephant?”

“Hell if I know, I guess if you are starving you will. Anyway, hunting stories are more likely to be seen as negative sir, that is why most politicians don’t allow their personal lives to be showcased on social media.  That is also why the taxpayers pay for PR firms to constantly keep your appearance as generic as possible when it comes to your social life.”

“Putin rides around half-naked on a horse hunting bears!  Why can’t I do that?”

“Russia is not the United States; here we still do not completely control the press.”

“Speaking of which where are we with stopping that independent news media outlet from getting on the cable TV?”

“Don at the FCC is making it difficult for them, and the IRS is badgering the crap out of them to slow them down but again as long as we don’t completely control the press, you will still have to keep some modicum of discretion in your actions.”

“Is that why you will not be seen with me in public?”

“You know that your campaign cannot afford the luxury of having me as arm candy.”

“My wife knows that you are I are messing around, why should the public care?”

“The American public is still pretty much hung up on one man one woman thing.  Just because you and your wife have different partners at times and you both are ok with it, does not mean the public would be ok with it.”

“That whole bible thing, we should get that outlawed.”

“Nonsense, the Bible makes the sheeple predictable. Politicians like predictable people.  That is why the polls are so useful.  Most of Americans like their god and their guns.  If you want to win elections, you don’t attack their beliefs no matter how arcane we think they are.”

“That is why it is them and us, all through history there has been the Gods and the insects.”

“I don’t think I would use that in your campaign speech, remember you want to be one of them.”

“No, I want to appear to be like one of them, there is no way in hell I would ever really have a beer with them, they are stupid swine.”

“Never the less, their taxes allow us to live as we do.”

“If they only knew.”

“They hopefully never will because we keep them distracted with stupid shit that they fall for.”

“When the pollsters told us that half the country would see abortion as women’s health, I was amazed!”

“It was predictable; we did not need to spend thousands of dollars on pollsters to figure that one out.  Half the country believes in that bible we were talking about.  The other half believes in whatever we tell them to believe in.  Get them emotionally involved in the subject, whatever it is.  Then between our friends on the silver screen assisting us to spread the truth, as want them to see it, and the useful idiots, who allow their temper to get the best of them, we can keep the country stirred up.”

“Speaking of that, the rally in Kentucky, for or against abortion?”

“Still waiting on the polls, we had to run another sample because it was too close.  We took out the late-term part and reran the poll.”

“Grizzly stuff, Did you know that there are places in the world where children are taken and used for donors of organs?”

“Not surprised, if there is a market someone will fill it, did you say children, not fetuses?”

“Yes, these are anywhere from babies up to twelve years of age.  Sold like cattle and their organs are harvested for the highest bidder.”

“So, late-term abortions.”

“Really late-term abortions. When I saw the pictures, it kind of made me ill.”

“Harold, whatever for, that is not in your backyard, that is in another country.  They have to deal with that, not you. Besides, there may be a day that you or I or someone here in Congress might need a part that you could only get in another country.”

“We have to keep pounding away on the religious nutjobs.  They must not be able to get into a place where they can affect legislation.”

“These supreme court picks could be a major deal; we need to keep our side alive until we can get more of ours in there.”

“I like that one that finally admitted that the constitution was outdated and irrelevant.”

“He is so senile he thinks wine could really be made from water and fo fo dust.  We keep him away from the press until he retires.”

“I think that one news agency is onto him.  They show pictures of him asleep all the time.  I am always afraid that he died on camera.”

“As long as he dies off camera we can find a double for him until he retires.”

“Our friends in Hollywood found me that double when I had to be in the hospital during the last election cycle.”

“The Public was none the wiser, we kept the press core away from him and used can speeches and it worked out fine.  The folks in Hollywood are with us Harold, they regularly attack the constitution trying to convince the sheeple that we don’t need things like the second amendment.”

“Do you know how much cheaper my security detail would be if I did not have to pay to have so much screening of people.”

“You told me that you hated that bulletproof vest, just think if we could get the guns off the street, you could do away with it.”

“That would be a dream come true, the only people that need guns are those that protect us anyway.”

“Them and the military, we still need to keep them armed for now.”

“I envision a day when there will be one leader for the world, and everything will be great!”

“Harold, what about the other people who were not the leader?”

“They would love him or her so much, they would not mind serving them.”

“Is that why you want to be the cool candidate?”

“It is such a rush when you stand in front of the crowd, and they chant your name, yes I could see me as the world leader.”

“Would I still be your mistress, or would you dump your wife at that point.”

“My wife is the daughter of a powerful executive; I would leave her for you if I were the leader of the free world, yes!”

“If you were the leader of the world then her father would be your servant!”

“Yes, the old fart would have to listen to me for a change!”

“I need to get this poll stuff to Dan, is there anything else?”

“Glasses or contacts?”

“I think you are handsome either way, do you think that it really makes a difference?”

“I don’t know, that is why we pay these pollsters, what they tell us is critical!”

“Glasses might depict a weakness, I would stick with the contacts, but I will ask Dan to put it into the poll.”

“You see that is just the thing.  The secretary of state does not need glasses, but she wears them with no prescription in them because her pollster said that they make her look smart!”

“Thank god for that, she is dumb as a stump.  If her father were not who he is, she would be one of the insects.”

“It is amazing, you really can put lipstick on a pig.  In this case, black-rimmed glasses with clear glass in them.  Another trick from Hollywood I guess.”

“I feel that way too, but the public will never know because she has a team of people telling her what to say, and she even has the little bug in her ear.”

“Who is sponsoring her anyway?”

“Someone on Avenue K put the deal together, I would watch whatever she does, and we can figure out who the donor or puppet master really is.  I am trying to get our guys to tune in on her earpiece and see if we can see who is controlling her.”

“Mine is encrypted isn’t it?”

“Yes, but those things are great, are you going to use it during the debate again?”

“Of course, their person will be using one. This way we each have an entire team of people making us look smart.”

“You need to contribute to Bill’s campaign if you want an advance copy of the questions again.”

“I already have our people on it.  Even with the bug, I still like to have the best answers available.”

“We need it pretty soon so the pollsters can run them by the people.”

“If the sheep only knew.”

I was struck by how we are governed by those who take a poll on everything.  Applying some literary license and creativity to a satire of the American political system, I came up with the above.

The part about the organ farm I wish was satire but it is not.  There are parts of the world where this stuff is happening much like sex trafficking.  It will never make our news as it does not serve a purpose in this country.  Blurring the lines between a fetus and a person seems to be the political norm, and this fact would work against that agenda.

Hope you liked my satire.  Please go to Amazon and check out my novels!

 

-Best TW